Runaway Smile

In Between.

2012-01-28T13:26:00.004+08:00

Being in two places at once is possible, but is being in between feelings even possible?

It was on Monday that I realized I have my heart set on too many emotions at once. It made me feel like I don't know how to feel. It made my reactions unreal. My smiles and laughters could be a false pretense. The sadness in my voice, could it contain what I think it does?

I try to be optimistic most of the time, for I feel that time does not permit me to be devastated over the things I overlooked. It is the only thing I am keen on every passing year. Time can never be still like people in photographs, captured at the moment the force of a finger clicks the shutter button of a camera. But what I think time can capture is the best and worst moments one goes through and those moments will be imprinted in the back of the mind, to be photographs of the moments lived, to be played back at times when life seems disappointing, to inspire one another. To me, that is the magic of life.

At the Virginia-North Carolina Boundary, maybe, I have all the rights to be in between emotions.

JoelleC

Of A Rant.

2012-01-11T15:29:00.000+08:00

Day 2 of semester 3... and I feel like dying.

Honestly, I think this year is going to be physically and mentally. I have to do most of the house chores (cleaning, cooking, washing, laundry, etc.), before and after college - not to mention that the workload this semester is hell. The second day of college just ended, but to me it felt like weeks had passed by and I haven't slept in ages. I did 4 hours of chores yesterday when I got home. Today, I just can't put myself through hours of exhaustion. I need more time for the ever piling mountain of homework and assignments.

Edward Cullen, come and bite me. Make me a vampire. Then I wouldn't even need rest, hence I can complete things I have to do without racing against time and sleep.

JoelleC

2011's Goodbye Note.

2012-01-01T15:09:00.000+08:00

I had a few minutes to reflect about 2011 yesterday before the clock strikes at midnight. Honestly, my mind went blank. There was nothing worth remembering about the year at that moment; the moment where I am in between 2011 and 2012. Maybe I did not want to admit that I made too many mistakes in the year that I became a young adult. Maybe I was trying not to cry over the bad memories and scars imprinted in me for the rest of my life. It was a New Year's Eve I refused to celebrate, for an unknown reason. I never had second thoughts on going out on the night everyone is ready to get over and start a new phase in their lives.

The best thing about 2011 is how I set my foot down with confidence and depart from the science stream by taking up Pre-Law subjects of Cambridge A Levels in college. I remember telling a friend that I swear I will not do A Levels, even if it is the last course available in the world but here I am. I got rid of doing sciences, finally! I hated the rigidity of the subjects I took in the last 2 years of high school and yearned to do Literature better than... The Pearl. Among all the Pre-University courses, Literature in English is only available in A Levels. Doing the subjects of my choice for a year changed me from various perspectives. I see the world in a different color. I can't watch a movie without cracking my head to think why characters acted in such manner. I got addicted to classics, works of famous authors of Literature. My family, especially my parents, could not understand my love for books filled with long-winded English-like sentences. Taking a chance and doing what I do for a year changed me so much that sometimes I could not recognize myself is good. Way too good.

Love... Where do I start with that? I got the worse heartbreak of 2011, I reassure you. Have you been given so much of hope without knowing humiliation and tricks leading to an excruciating heartache is coming your way? Have you been stupid enough to ignore the warnings and serious tones of concerned friends who tried their hardest to save you from a great fall, when you knew you are the only one who can decide if you want to risk it all? I went through the most painful emotional breakdown of my life and I wasn't okay for months. It took me months to recuperate only enough to help me survive, not healing from the rupture of unseen insanity.

"Good things come to those who wait" - it happened to me, twice. I was surprised by a close acquaintance who I kept in touch with when he admits how fond he is of me on a late October night. Despite how amused I was of him every time we spoke, I could never see how we could be more than friends after a 'trial period' that lasted less than a week. Then, the on-and-off-we-don't-even-know-what-this-is relationship that started at the end of 2010 reignited again but I decided not to fall to hard just yet. I could not trust him, I don't know why. There is something doubtful about him unknown. Wise choice, a small voice in my head quipped.

2011 has been yet another crazy year. I think what was worth living in that year again is for the people in my life, old or new. College would not have been exhilarating without being able to meet people like my classmates. I thank god for giving me a chance to meet all of them for each individual surprise me, again in good and bad ways. The downfall of meeting new people, however, is how you have no idea who is a good trustable friend. They are not like the friends you knew from kindergarten, primary school or high school - you don't know who they are until you really get to know them.

2011 was the eye-opening year whereby I was introduced to the 'real world'. It seems like people are not as nice as you think they are and you would be surprised at every meeting with someone new. When they see you they could be flashing you with a genuine smile and laughing along with you, but as soon as they turn their backs you are described with unpleasant words. Some may appear entirely charming and sweet with a hidden pair of devil's horn. That, I learn, is what keeps the earth spinning. People are like Harvey Two-Face. However, the world is not as bad as it seems with a small percentage of down to earth people that I happen to meet and my close friends whom I knew for years. They are the people you could run and cry your heart to, whether it is a heartbreak or something on a personal matter. They are the people who will listen to your rants and laugh at your not-so-funny jokes. They are the people who you can talk and laugh with for hours. They are the people who will make up something and make it really funny so that you can continue talking about it when you meet up next time. They are the people shares the same perspective with you on almost anything. They are the people who mean it when they tell you "I am always here for you" and "You can tell me anything, anytime". So it was worth living through the year, despite having more bad times than good times.

To the family - Daddy, Mommy, Grandma and Sister - thank you for everything. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for being patient at my clumsiest and blurriest times. Thank you for loving me for who I am. Thank you for laughing at my jokes which are not funny at all. Thank you for encouraging me to do only my very best. Thank you for keeping me sane when the world turned its back against me. I love you.

To the special family members of mine - Aunt Yvonne and Uncle Oscar - congratulations on taking your relationship to the next level. Thank you for letting me be a part of your wedding planning for it made me believe in myself more than ever this year. Thank you for all the birthday presents (remember that the next one is for 2016). Thank you for bringing me to the movies and have good food since I was young. Thank you for getting me things occasionally. Thank you for introducing me to scrapbooking and getting me into photography. Thank you for sharing the dream of establishing our own wedding planning company alongside restaurant and bridal shop. Thank you for making me laugh all the time. I love you.

To the 'little brothers' - Dilly the Chihuahua and Benji the Miniature Schnauzer - thank you for being in my life although the both of you are by far the biggest pain in the ass. I will never be annoyed with you boys (although I always say I will). Thank you for give me your best poses when I have my camera with me. I love you.

To the long-time friends - Wei Qin, Zhen Ni, Kelly, Denise, Sze Jie, Guo Hao, Justin and Wen Hao - you guys are the best. High school wouldn't be the same without all of you. Thank you for believing in me, no matter what.With every meeting and catching-up sessions since high school ended, we get closer and laughed more. My family love having you people around and you are always welcomed to come over to my place. You guys are the friends that I will still keep in touch with 20 years from now and I hope that it will never change. Thank you for making an impact in my life. I love you.

To The Casual Fridays - Liesl, iQan and the sister - it was a great pleasure to perform in senior prom with you all. Liesl, thank you for giving me a chance to sing with you (and we need to catch up soon!). You guys made one of my dreams come true. I love you.

To the new close friends - Evelyn, Qamarina, Rino, Zulaika, Nick - I am thankful for getting a chance to meet you. College would not be special without you all. Thank you for keeping me busy through WhatsApp, whether we are on semester break or going through a weekend. Thank you for being there for me when I needed company. Thank you for believing in me and reassuring me that my hard work will pay off in the end. I don't want anything to change between us, unless it is for the good. Let's hold on to our plans for university even though it is very unlikely to happen. I love you.

A year has come and passed with good and bad times, ups and downs, important life lessons learnt, new people met who made an impact to the year, friends that perpetually sick with me through it all, family members who pulled me through the finish line of the year and memories to be reminisced with tears or laughter (or both). A new chapter of life has already begun. There is so much to anticipate. There is so much more to look forward to. With a new year, I do not plan to make a list of resolutions because I do not stick to it since I started doing it. I am going to let whatever that is meant to be to happen. Oh, and let's see if we survive 2012 since we all are surviving the first day of the year.

I will never look back at 2011 the same way again. Cheers to the new year! Let 2012 be better than the previous year.

JoelleC

Checkmate.

2011-11-22T00:33:00.000+08:00

Who said falling in love was simple?

Love - it is twisted and complicated for those who are not ready to be showered with affection and mushiness. Tell me all about it because it is exactly how I felt being for the past 4 days. I don't know why I don't feel the warmth and tingling sensation of characters in books falling in love when he professes his love for me. I slapped myself in the face hard enough to know that it is really happening to me - the moment in books where the guy that a girl never sees herself with takes her hand and come clean about the way he feel about her all these time. My favorite part of romantic movies and books are coming to life, with me as the girl who proclaims that no one will ever lay eyes on her. I got to admit, it took me by surprise. There isn't anyone quite like him who gathers up his courage and speaks with such maturity. I was captivated, that's for sure, and amused of his bravery to speak his mind.

I think the downfall to the start of something amazing in my life at this point was the pace. It is usual for a guy to want to make every moment worth it at the start of a relationship, thus speeding things up. The problem lays with me. I can't accept all the affection he is giving me. It got me all flustered. I could be feeling fuzzy and smiling over a text message and the next thing I know I am uncomfortable. It was so obvious that it didn't take him long to realize it. Being selfish, I let him feel the pinch instead of explaining to him. I allowed it to happen, to inform him of my discomfort in such manner. Maybe I was trying to play hard, but little did I know it grazed him badly.

Being in a relationship requires a degree of give and take. I took and never gave. He did both. He apologized when he didn't have to, he accepts my requests without being a tad bit annoyed and he did his best to be understanding. Me? I have been an idiot, complaining and ranting until it bothered him. But he stuck with me patiently. So tell me, where do you find a guy like that anymore? It is purely my loss, not his for he did too much for me.

The fact that I have been alone my whole life without one besides my family who I can cling on for support made me strong enough to endure the hurdles of life by myself. I have been toughened up by my parents, so another reason why I can live in this world by myself. I want to be loved, but at the same time I definitely do not see why I need to be loved for I am perfectly alright by myself. I would rather have a girl less fortunate than me to be loved by him. I am still holding up pretty good on my own. But no girl could deny that the feeling of having someone to shower her with plenty of love isn't amazing. For once, I felt like someone cared about me and wants to love me more than I love myself. Therefore until I could not go on with life alone, I shall stay away from being in romantic relationships.

I am done. Game over for me in the game of love.

JoelleC

Don't Let Those Petals Fall.

2011-10-21T09:51:00.002+08:00

It makes no difference sitting at the top floor of the library: thoughts I would want to eliminate from my head are still haunting me. I thought the higher I am from the ground, the more I know that I will fall harder - at least I will be fearful of the pain I am going to feel. But no. My determination is killing my senses and pain receptive slowly.

Maybe this is merely a bruise in the knee for me. Maybe all these regrets are the ones building the courage. I know this may be wrong, but how much can I hurt? I'd rather hurt than to push anything and anyone away, like I always do.

Maybe this time, I want to be fearless.

JoelleC

Lachrymose of Humiliation?

2011-10-16T17:16:00.007+08:00

So here's something interesting that I came across in The Star newspaper today.

Sunday October 16, 2011

A crying shame

A SINGULAR LIFE
By ASHA GILL

It seems most emotions are permissible in public or private, except crying.

THE late inspirational author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old whose next-door neighbour, an elderly gentleman, had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the old man cry, the boy went into his yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, he replied, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

The act of crying is a form of catharsis. It actually helps us find some kind of relief. Withholding tears can be tragically detrimental to our mental and physical well-being. There hasn’t been a huge amount of research on crying, but most findings concur that on a chemical level, it releases endorphins (feel-good hormones) and gets rid of toxic stress hormones.

Of course tears actually keep the eyes clean and healthy by washing out pollutants and irritants. The logical reason for tearing up when we’re chopping onions and chillies or wiping the top of a cupboard that is covered with dust.

Yesterday, the little man and I were in the car and it was his turn to choose what to listen to. Yes, I practise democracy in my car. Anyhow, he chose to listen to a story that used to be his favourite when he was about two years old.

When the musical introduction started, I was thrown back in time and had such a nostalgic emotional rush that I started choking up. The little man asked why I was crying and I explained that these were happy memory tears of a time when he was still a tiny soul. He then started to well up, saying, “Mama, I will always be your baby even when I am really big, like 12 years old!”

And just as he said that, his hand flew to his eyes and he angrily wiped away the tears. I asked him what was wrong. His answer broke my heart: “The teachers and kiddies tell me that crying is for babies, crying is bad and only girls cry.”

I pulled the car over and turned to face him. I told him that those were stupid comments. That everyone cries, or should cry. That crying makes us feel better and as long as he did not “cry wolf” with crying, he could let rip anytime he wanted. That crying, just like colours, belonged to everybody and not one gender.

Now I am as guilty as the next person of trying to hush up a child who seems to be crying for eternity by saying, “Stop crying now, enough now”, because the tears have gone on for too long and far outweigh the scraped knee or accidental knock.

However, maybe that’s just the point. Maybe the crying goes on and on because it is a form of release for massive pent up emotions that have been contained for too long. Maybe that tiny paper cut was just the catalyst for releasing so many other things hidden and buried.

Which was the case for me the day I sat on a bench outside an office block after an exhausting, infuriating meeting with a health care professional with regards to my son. I was so frustrated and angry that tears started streaming down my face.

This old man from the shop in front came out and asked if I was okay. I told him, “No, I am angry and disappointed.” He asked what made me most angry and I told him, “bad manners”.

He smiled and said: “Then just walk away, don’t let that affect you. Find someone else who can help you.”

Practical advice from a stranger who did not know my problems, but in just five minutes had helped me calm down without making me feel like a freak .

There is so much shame attributed to tears, as if it makes you weak and incapable. It is the one emotion you hardly see in public. But why? Why does it have such negative connotations?

To not cry is to not feel, or to suppress emotions that, in turn, fester into rage and torment. How is that less shameful? To be prone to violence because you cannot release your stress, rather than use a whole box of tissues to wipe that entire toxin-filled snot away is beyond me.

We cry because we are sad, angry, frustrated, happy, joyful, in pain or grieving. We are sentient beings who need to connect with each other, make sense of our surroundings, and emote. Society needs to accept this part of nature as natural and not oppress it. Either through the subtext of language, education, gender divide, age or cultural norms.

So the next time someone tells you to calm down, stop crying or hush up, walk away from him and sit somewhere on your own and weep until you can weep no more. Trust me, it’s a good thing.

Asha Gill put her globetrotting life on hold to focus on the little man in her life and gain a singular perspective on the world.

This is exactly what I want people to know whenever I have an emotional breakdown. I hope those who labelled people who cries easily as "weak", "vulnerable" and "insecure" to read this. Among them, are the people who brought me up. I hope this changes your mind and perspective the next time you see someone crying over something that may seem very petty.

JoelleC

Pathetic Denial.

2011-10-05T21:52:00.002+08:00

You started it.

"I hate college. Hate the people in it, not everyone, but some.

Some are pure bitches."

Now, this is far too much. You hate college because you think people like us do not belong in the same social group that you are in. Your view on people who speak of the truth and only the truth are labelled as bitches. You know why I think in such a way? Because you are an untruthful, egoistic person. Anyway, it is your fault for making everyone turn their backs against you. If you are that idiotic to the extent that you did not know that you had actually committed a crime, start to be a tad bit fearful. You could have been charged in court. No, I am not making this up to scare you. You should know this. Ask the man who brought you up for I believe he has better knowledge of the criminal justice system than you do.

Lying and denying. Why? I simply do not understand. I tried to be rational and depart from my prejudiced feelings towards you for awhile, but I ended up coming back to the fact that you are an arrogant filthy rich bastard who likes to use people to get what you want. You are the kind of person who would do whatever it takes to achieve what you want, whether it is right or wrong. That is stupid, you know? You have absolutely no idea how bad you left the people that you hurt scarred. The degree of pain is way beyond what you have in your shallow mind. I was the first victim, then comes my friend and another one today. You made us feel useless and worthless. Completely used. Why, now that I realized this I am not surprised why you had a series of ex-girlfriends that you label "bitches".

You broke me and torn me apart the worst. I understood how my friends felt, being completely used by you. I could have stood up for us, for the people you had ripped apart. But I couldn't. I failed to muster the courage I gained from the wildfire anger within. Maybe I was a coward. Maybe I still consider the fact that you are an acquaintance and I did not want to worsen the condition. I realized how selfish you are, for not thinking the same for the people that you tore down. What will it take for you to realize that you are not always right and it does not hurt to bow down and admit for what you did? You expect everything to go your own way because you get everything you want. You are one lucky child, for you are blessed with parents who grants you whatever you desired and able to live a luxurious life. But what does it mean to have everything in the world by taking advantage of the people you categorize in the "weaker party"? Nothing.

I hope you will come down to realization that what you did was wrong. You owe an apology to the hearts that you had broken and scarred. Go on and cling to your ego for now, but someday when you finally fall into the position you once put us in, you will feel the pinch and be genuinely sorry. Whilst that, the guilt will flood in. You apologized, I know. But you are not sorry. You will never be. No matter what you say, no matter the words that slipped through your lips. Not until you experience what it feels like to be used and feel worthless, then you will be burnt and scarred as bad as I did.

I don't care if you happened to stumble across this. It is about time you know how I feel about you ever since you left me wounded. You tore me down, made me feel demotivated, killed me inside out. I do not seek for revenge. I believe in karma. Karma will be a bitch is you are a bitch. And if you have the intention to clarify things, I dare you to speak up face to face. I will respect you for your courage to demand a confrontation. I admire people, especially men, who let their action speak louder than the words spoken. Oh, and no hard feelings alright?

Before I forget, girls aren't the only bitches in the world, male-bitch.

P.S: Work on using literary devices, hun. Don't put the Literature in English lessons to waste.

October 5, Wednesday

9.52 pm

JoelleC

Fall, Baby, Fall.

2011-09-17T00:07:00.001+08:00

At this point in life, I expect myself to meet expectations.

I want to be the daughter every parent will happily love.

I want to be the sister every sibling would be glad to have.

I want to be the granddaughter every grandparent appreciates for always being there.

I want to be the cousin who other cousins look forward to meet at every family reunion.

I want to be the friend everyone comes to when they need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to lend.

I want to be the student who performs impressively well.

I want to be the photographer who captures the best moments in life perfectly.

I want to be the young aspiring singer-songwriter is always out there performing for music lovers.

I want to be the skillful guitarist who express herself best on the 6-string instrument.

I want to be the girl who makes guys turn their heads around.

I want to be the girl with the personality that a guy would learn to admire.

I want to be the girl who everyone loves being around with.

But, I became the opposite of expectations. I am a huge pain in the ass. I am a selfish, temperament young adult. I can be rude to people that I don't like. I don't appear to be as talented as I dream of being. Of all I hope I am, I am nothing. It is demotivating to know that I can't be good at something. It hurts. There are bound to be people that I know who are better than me at something.

So this is what happens when your good isn't good enough.

***

I think I am half-God already.

In case you did not know, I have been back from Tibet since last Thursday morning. Ever since, I never stopped working on my Sociology portfolio consisting of 20 essays which was due on Monday. But with the pleas of my classmates who are not done with theirs, the deadline is extended until this coming Monday. I was secretly doing backflips inside when my Sociology lecturer gave her approval. While my classmates have the entire 2 weeks of the semester break to at least complete 10 essays, I only had 3 days left of the semester break to complete 10 essays.

In this duration of 8 days, I have been feeding a lot on coffee, Japanese green tea, Chinese tea and junk food. I tuned in to Red FM's Late Night Love Songs while I type away on my laptop. I spent the Mid-Autumn Festival celebration at my maternal grandparents' house last weekend in Kampar this year sticking my eyeballs in front of the laptop (literally!) for the 2 days I was there. My sleeping time changed to 2 or 3 in the morning instead of the usual 11 pm to midnight sleep time. My eyebags are horribly creating deep dark circles around my eyes, as though I have been punched in the eye. The migraine is a silent killer, causing my head a never-ending pain everyday. I am so glad for I have not passed out or fall terribly ill, which I really can't afford to.

I want to get over with this and get studying. Week 1 of revision is over for me. While everyone else is starting to revise, I am still stuck with this portfolio. So you see my dilemma. You know why sometimes I can't bring myself to be optimistic. You understand why my eyes are filled with tears at odd hours of the day. As each day passed, I tend to grow more worried. I am underprepared for the AS examination in October. The remaining 3 weeks is a crucial duration for me to make the final lap.

Cut the crap. I am going back to doing my 16th Sociology essay. Wish me luck.

JoelleC

Flying Off.

2011-08-29T13:55:00.004+08:00

2 hours until I leave for the airport.

Although it may be a bad time to fly off for a retreat, I know I need this. This is vital for me to clear my mind and give myself a little break from my hectic life. I'll be back, feeling pretty much jet lag both physically and mentally.

"You say good morning when it's midnight
Going out of my head, alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's driving me mad, I miss you so bad"

Until then, goodbye!

JoelleC

Of Growing Up.

2011-08-22T00:04:00.000+08:00

Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger

And it's so quiet in the world tonight

Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming

So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret

I'd give all I have, honey

If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart

And no one will desert you

Just try to never grow up

Never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies

And you're mortified, your mom's dropping you off

At 14, there's just so much you can't do

And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block

Remember that she's getting older too

And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred

And even though you want to

Just try to never grow up

So here I am, in my new apartment

In a big city, they just dropped me off

It's so much colder than I thought it would be

So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up

I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up

Wish I'd never grown up, I could still be little

Oh, I don't wanna grow up

Wish I'd never grown up, it could still be simple

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you

Won't let no one break your heart

And even though you want to, please try to never grow up

Oh, don't you ever grow up

Oh, never grow up

Just never grow up

To Be Read, Again And Again.

2011-08-13T20:08:00.004+08:00

I don't know if I am on the right track.

It just struck me all of a sudden, and I feel lost. I lost the sense of belonging in this world. I don't know what am I doing. I don't know if the people that I categorize as family and friends are truly the ones that I love and are dear to my heart. I don't know who I really am. I had never been this insecure of myself before.

I think it all started when Mom and Dad had The Talk with my sister and I three days ago. I started to feel demotivated with every pricking word that the two people that I love the most spat out bitterly. Unconsciously, I started to withdraw myself from people to do some self-reflection. I feel the need of being alone although I don't want to. It is as though I had lose everything I have. Nothing seems to be working out as how I visualize things to be. I lost the ability to foresee a successful young woman I want to be in the future. Suddenly, I feel so small. I find it hard to breathe, as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I can't sleep every night before shedding a few tears in the dark, having mixed emotions that I cannot define. I failed find the reason why I deserve to have a fortunate life. At a point, I want to give up.

Then I went back to the memories of my lost loves. I couldn't figure out why I did not initiate the first move when I could, or why I was so afraid of admitting my fondness when it was true. I didn't understand why there were changes of the hearts. I never had any idea why I fell so hard and gave my all to the routes that led to heartbreaks and invisible scars. Maybe it was the fear of committing. Maybe it was the fear of being hurt. Maybe it was the fear of trying.

"It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I realized what I had when you were mine. And I go back to December all the time."

I am really sorry to the only one who truly loved me for pushing your love away. I wasn't thinking straight at that moment. I knew that all that was needed was time and effort. Honestly, I regret getting rid of you. There were moments I wished you could be here to help me through the hell I am living in. I miss you. I miss how we used to talk endlessly about anything. I miss how you make me feel like I am the color of your black and white world. I swear I will give anything to turn back the time and patch things up. If we ever loved again, I will love you right the next time around. And I still owe you something, which technically makes me feel worse. I wanted to make it up to you, tell you how sorry I am to put you in a lot pain but I realized I was a little too late. I guess you had moved on. I hope you are happier as you seem to me.

With every opportunity I have when there is a casual talk with my friends, I tend to engage my personal problems into the conversation unconsciously. I could not help it, really. Kudos to my friends who had been patient with me and make me feel loved. I thank all of you for turning my day around when the dark clouds insist to stay. But I can't help but to ponder if anyone is sick of listening to me mumbling away about my despair and having to sit beside me and comfort me because it is something that should be done. I have this thought that someday someone might tell me I complain too much about everything and how I am so unappreciative of having such a good fortunate life. I don't know. I think I should zip up and stay tough instead of speaking my mind.

So it all comes back to me. What I do and what I say starts everything. Arrows will point at my direction for everything that happens upon me, whether it is good or bad. If I want to turn things around, I will have to be the change.

And sometimes, I am tired of being alone.

JoelleC

Moves Like Jagger.

2011-06-27T14:29:00.003+08:00

I wish I could dance.

I was listening to Next 2 You by Chris Brown feat. Justin Bieber and Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera. Suddenly I wish I can dance naturally, as in groove to any music but not looking like an idiot. I find the beauty in the art compromising of footwork, flexibility and the freedom to express the feelings that only moves can say what words cannot. When I watch dance tv shows like So You Think You Can Dance?, I am utterly speechless by the end of the show and inspired to get on my feet to just... dance.

During Campfire Night two Saturdays ago, two of my very good friends dressed up well-suited to the theme and nominated for Best Dressed. Those who are nominated had to dance to get the crowds' votes. Click here to watch the both of them breaking out to some impromptu moves. And yes, the both of them won Best Dressed. Seeing them having the ability to just get down to some sleek dance moves made me question myself: Will I be able to do this someday?

Maybe this is something I have yet to discover in myself. Maybe I might start picking up on dancing soon enough.

***

So today is the last day of my semester break (FINALLY!). I don't know about my classmates, but I am pretty excited to go back to college tomorrow. At least my biological clock will be regulated again. At least I can complain about the traffic and talk to people (who are not my family members). I have been cooped up at home being a modern-day Cinderella for 15 days, not allowed to go out for shopping or to just hang out whenever I want. If anyone suggests to go out for dinner or to just run some errands, I would be the first one to grab the keys and sit in the car. That's how desperate I am to leave the house.

By the way, I have the urge to shop. This is crazy because I am usually forced to shop when Mom is in the mood or if I need something. I have been wanting a wardrobe turnover since I was 16. I want a small part of my closet to be filled with fancy tops, tank tops, floral skirts, vintage accessories, long shoulder bags with a small pouch (Ihavenoideawhatitiscalled) and heels. I want to dress to the latest trends.

I think I am rambling. I should stop.

JoelleC

Two Weeks Without College.

2011-06-22T16:10:00.003+08:00

The sun shines, it's a beautiful day.

I am making a full use of the semester break this time. I am literally enjoying myself.

Last week, I watched a movie every single night before I sleep. It was then when I realized that I missed out on some good movies.
I spent afternoons with my guitar. I really need to brush up on my playing. Anyway, I learned a couple of new songs.
I am halfway through Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet. It is a really beautiful tragic love story.
I spent most of my free time with Dilly and Benji, with a hope for them to stop hating me so much and cut down on bullying me. I sound like a total loser.
I watched tv for more than 2 hours a day! It's been a month since I watched tv for hours.

Okay, I had fun but I was also made the maid of the house since my semester break begun. I had to do most of the house chores with a few extra cleaning. Basically, I am stuck at home

everyday except for grocery shopping and Campfire Night last Saturday. Anyway, I still had fun and I am really relaxed.

Ye-ah, my semester exam results are out. I am ONE MARK away from getting a C for Literature in English. Actually, I expect myself to fail Economics instead of Law. I don't mind failing Law, but getting 19 marks is purely unbelievable. It is as though I did not study for the subject at all. I don't know why, but I find my results pretty okay EXCEPT for Law. Maybe that's why I have not end up crying under my blanket. I just don't know how Mom and Dad will react to this.

I can't wait for college to resume. I want to see my classmates. I need to get back on studying. I am actually sick of having fun already, having nothing to worry about. Probably it's because now that I know my semester exam results. Well, it's a good thing.

Time to get back to doing my Law assignment (told you I've been too relaxed this break!). A few more days and I will be resuming to my hectic life.

JoelleC

Partial Reality.

2011-06-10T22:43:00.003+08:00

I sat in much bitterness, listening to the conversation I once had a fair share in. There were many series of events running through my mind like scenes in a movie. Where had I went wrong? Was it something that I had said? I never understood why in the world would you treat me like this. It shows your immaturity and highlights your hypocrisy.

On your best days, you would approach me with your beautiful wide smile and catch up with me as though we have not kept in touch for years. You would make me feel appreciated and admired. I was foolish, I admit, for believing whatever you said from the beginning. The words you said floated into my ears and into my brain, and it stays at the back of my mind. The words you said always made me open up my heart to you again, making my heart burst with bliss like the vibrant colors of the flowers in spring. It made me forget about the heartbreak you gave me. Stupid girl, I should have known that people like you never meant whatever you said. How did I have the thought that I might be your cup of tea? So much for being a dreamer.

You kept talking and laughing in between things said that contain comical elements, purely ignoring the sight of me. I looked up from the page I was intensely reading and stole glances of you, trying to catch your eye. And then I remembered the way you looked into my eyes. I loved how your pupils dilate with interest whenever I said something amusing. You listened to me with full attention and interest, your lips curving slowly into a smile as I kept going on and on. I could tell that it was a genuine reaction. But was it? Or have I misinterpreted your reactions all these time?

The conversation broke off. You stood, slapping backs and waving briefly, indicating your departure. Coincidentally, I stood up and slung my backpack on my shoulder while balancing a few thick books along. Our eyes met. I lifted my lips to a tiny smile. You did the same. It reminded me of how you would offer me those beautiful smiles of yours when we caught each other's eyes. Suddenly, flashbacks of memories flooded my vision. Our fingers intertwining. Our eyes conveying messages that we only know. How we complete each other's sentences. Our voices dropping in soft whispers in secrecy. How your friends looked at me as though I was the prize of your heart whenever we walk side by side. Your arms wrapped around my shoulders. What we had will always be a vivid piece of memory so valuable to me. I had the thought that you are "the one" when I met you. You treated me the way every man should treat a lady. You knew when was the appropriate timing to tease me, to make my stomach lurch. But you were also aware of when you need to stop yourself from hurting me. You made me feel special for once in my life, you know. I was floating joyfully with the March breeze and I was living every moment of it, until the unexpected storms of April rolled in and smashed the fragile glass of our relationship.

You didn't have to be mean to me at all. I know things between us fell apart. Maybe we were not meant to be. I guess it is fated that we end up in a harsh way. I did not like the fact that you mimicked me behind my back, all the things I did that you used to admire. I despise how you throw dirty glares at me when I voice my opinion. I remembered how you criticized my guitar skills, boasting about how I do not deserve to get an electric guitar. I hate how you will snap at me tartly when you dislike or disagree with me. You think that you are all that great, don't you? Why don't you take a look at yourself in the mirror first? This is pretty much ridiculous and totally contradicting with what I say, but you have the charming looks. The only thing that dims the shiny surface of your features is your arrogance. Fix it. Quit being such an egoistic male. Stop being a selfish fool.

But I want you to know that above it all, I did loved you. Loved. Past tense. I am trying with all my might to let go now. This is the toughest and most challenging part. There were times where I messed up with hate and displacement of emotions, which results to confusion. It is as though I am playing a game with my feelings. I reach the point of breakdown constantly, feeling helpless. I tried to pen down all these bitterness into pages of my journal, but I never successfully finished a sentence. The fear of revealing the truth of my current position to myself overrides my passion for writing. I stopped carving emotions on papers, for I am afraid that I will know the truth of my position from your point of view. I have been hiding from the truth for months and I came to the point of realizing that I have to wake up from this dream and start living in the nightmare. So it all comes down to this.

I wish I had the guts to talk to you about this personally. I wanted to bring this up to you abruptly when you held my gaze, but you know what? I told myself, "Drop it. If he wants to know, he would have realized earlier or at least take the effort to confront me". I am perfectly fine with living in this misery you and your friend are putting me through. I swear if any one of you ever make me hit my boiling point, be prepared for a warfare.

You are a jerk and definitely had not been a gentleman at all lately. Go ahead and underrate my abilities, misuse my helping hand. All that I know is that you will never be what I am in your lifetime. And no, I was never wrong and it wasn't about something I said. It was always about you, you and YOU.

Gear up, buddy.

JoelleC

The Return.

2011-06-10T19:44:00.003+08:00

Something old is never new.

I'm back for good!

I apologize for my disappearance for almost 3 months. College had been... pretty hectic? Classes starting from 8 in the morning up to 3 or 4 in the evening, never-ending assignments, presentations and class tests, and mountain-high pile of homework. Don't worry, I'm still pretty much alive.

Okay, a little update first. To sum it up: too much had happened. Life unexpected, they say. Tolerating with assholes and fools in the moment. I'll retain my patience until I couldn't take it anymore. Anyway, my semester exam ended today. I swear to god I will never ever do last-minute studying. SERIOUSLY. Lesson learnt.

Here comes my semester break. It's gonna be a fun-filled weekend!

JoelleC

Helpless.

2011-03-05T12:11:00.005+08:00

The world beyond our eyes.

My feet are on two different boats.

I don't know how to manage my time well enough to cope with college and house chores. The week had been an unpleasant one. I come home everyday getting yelled by Mom because I didn't lay a finger on any of my daily house chores for the past 2 months. Yes I know it's entirely my fault, but I want her to understand that I am still trying to fit in to this new life. If the word "tired" happen to slip out from my mouth, I am a goner. Mom and Dad will give me a long lecture on how hard they have to work to support the family and point out that I don't have to work as hard as them to support the family. The conclusion: I don't have the rights to tell them that I am tired. The word "tired" is forbidden to be said by me, or I'll have to prepare for more yelling. I would love to clarify to my parents that I am mentally exhausted (pfft, like they would understand). I would be relieved if they understand that I am mentally exhausted instead of physically exhausted. There is a huge difference there.

"Then why study when you tell me that college is tough? Just drop out and start working for our company."

Mom and Dad, that's not my point. You want to know why I didn't plan on taking the wine somalia course? You want to know why I chose to start on a Pre-University course instead of jumping straight into a foundation program? You want to know why I picked to do Cambridge A Levels instead of the South Australian Matriculation (SAM) program Sis is doing? Simple: I want to prove to everyone that I can ace the hardest Pre-University course and push myself beyond my limits. Try asking around about CAL program. You will definitely get the same reaction and answer: everyone will tell you that the students are lifeless and the program is tough to ace. I insist of pursuing in law because I don't want to be labeled as the girl who had everything. I don't want to take over my parent's company and be given the title "rich". My parents worked their asses off for what they can afford to own today. I don't want to be the heiress of their fortune. I want to get the excitement of getting my first paycheck, buy my own car, pay my own bills and reward myself with the money I earned all by myself and get promoted. I don't want to be a boss right away. What is the challenge of working when you become the boss of a company right away?

I have been living my whole life being a complete loser. I didn't do very well back in high school. I have always been the one without the guts to try something new. I have been relying on my sister to accomplish everything. But I thought very hard about my future and my life ahead ever since I was in high school. Back in December last year, I tried to figure out what I want in life. I tried combining my dreams with reality. The outcome was horrible. There were so many consequences and risks to be considered. I still have the fear to have a serious mature conversation with my parents about getting them to understand about something, cause they wouldn't listen and I'll end up in tears and disappointed.

I try to voice out my opinions whenever I come to a disagreement with Mom and Dad, but again, it is either I fight to win or they tear me down with their argument. I realize that I either raise my voice or shed a tear every single time. If I raise my voice, it'll be worse than shedding tears. So I stick to feel beaten up and break down when I have a different concept of things. They tell me that they are my friends and I can talk to them about anything, but friends don't make you shut up when you have a different opinion or get mad when you tell them you have a crush on a guy or forbid you from going out to catch a movie.

Time is never enough for me. I have to divide 24 hours for college, house chores, homework, assignments, regular studying and family time. I don't even have time for myself anymore. Entertaining my family takes up most of my time at home. Mom would make me go to bed by 11 pm on weekdays when she is in a good mood, but she doesn't understand that I have so much homework and assignments to do and that she has been very demanding on me to spend time with the family as soon as I get home from college. So I started staying up until 2 or 3 am on Saturdays to do my homework and/or assignments. On weekdays I stay up no later than 1 am and get up before 6 am. I don't get to take naps when I get home from college and sleep in no longer than 10 am on weekends. My eyebags are getting worse. I am going to die of exhaustion.

I would love to hang out with my college classmates and catch up with some of my friends, but I am tied down with rules and curfews. I have to call either Mom or Dad wherever I am, which means I can't lie about my whereabouts. I come home right away after college. I decline outings with my college classmates. I can't talk over tea with friends that I haven't been catching up with for a long time. I can't go for sleepovers. I can't come home later than midnight. I can't just drive out to get stuff or go shopping by myself. I don't feel like I am 18.

There you go. Story of my life being a college student with a lot of things to do and a lot of people to satisfy. Thank god for a fun bunch of classmates in college that starts off my day well until I come home everyday. I have been moody the entire week and it makes no difference that the weekend is here.

Back to my Sociology assignment and leftover food for lunch.

JoelleC

"Fear is just a state of mind" - Love Happens (2009)

Invasion of Thoughts.

2011-02-17T23:38:00.001+08:00

The season of changes.

I have a very bad urge to blog tonight until I sacrificed my homework time tonight. Mind you, these are random thoughts that came to mind when I was cooking dinner just now. And please, don't laugh!

I want a bunch of colorful helium balloons instead of flowers on Valentine's Day, my birthday, my wedding or whatever special occasion. Hopefully I am the first with this idea!
I really want to try to wear a waist-high flowy skirt. It looks good on other girls who wore it, so it'll look not too bad on me I guess. Problem: I don't have one.
I am so into nail lacquers lately that it became one of my favorite past times is painting my nails.
I can't help but to stare when a girl wears wedge heels. I think I should get myself a pair.
I would love to wear nicer tops to college instead of wearing t-shirts every single day. Problem: I don't even have one.
I am starting to get obsessed with bracelets, especially charm bracelets.
I study every night since college started. Something is definitely wrong with me.

College is tiring. Walking four floors up and down everyday will make me slimmer by the middle of the year with the heavy textbooks. Another long day at college tomorrow. I'm so thankful it's a Friday tomorrow! That's all for now.

JoelleC

One of those boys.

College!

2011-01-20T14:57:00.001+08:00

The new road in life.

College orientation (January 18) and the first day of college went well for me. None of my friends are my classmates. All of them are in Pre-Medical, Pre-Engineering and Pre-Business. So far I am close with Elizabeth, since she too is alone. I joined Evelyn, Qamarina and Zulaika for lunch at The Street Cafe. The food is acceptable and we got to know each other better. Lectures were okay so far since it was just the first day. Well, except for Sociology. Miss Ng started giving us notes and told us our first assignment already.

After my classes ended, I met up with Leon and Shaun at the library since I got to wait for Mom and Dad to pick us up. I happened to bump into a few of my classmates who were looking for books to start reading up. I only managed to borrow "Songs For Ourselves", which is the Literature in English book. I got pretty frustrated cause I couldn't locate "The English Legal System" book. I spent almost an hour looking for it.

I got home at almost 6 pm and cooked dinner. I find it hard to cope with college and house chores. Waking up at 5.50 am, load the washing machine with dirty laundry, leaving the house at 6.55 am, having classes until 3 or 4 pm, getting home at 6 pm, cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, having a little free time, calling it a day around 11 pm. I hope I'll be able to catch up with the new daily routine soon.

Enjoying the public holiday. I can't wait for the weekends!

Officially a college student.

J-Chizzle

For good things happen.

Deep Thoughts and Sleepless Nights.

2011-01-17T01:07:00.005+08:00

Sometimes what is seen through the eyes isn't enough to tell what is felt in the heart.

I closed the book I was reading and rubbed my face. 1.07 am and I couldn't get myself to call it a day. Suddenly, I felt the urge to express myself with words. It is far too late to pick up my six-strings, but anytime of the day is suitable for writing. I paused for a moment, letting my fingers freeze on the keyboard and looked out the window. There is nothing to see outside as the world is dimly lit with street lamps and lights from the buildings afar, but I see myself laughing away with the bunch on the night of 19 February 2010, celebrating my seventeenth birthday. Then I see myself crying under the blankets on a sleepless school night, still heartbroken and torn over the same issue. The image of myself pulling my friends in an embrace on the last day of school fades slowly as I yearned to stay at that moment and I snapped back to the present. I shook my head and stifled a yawn. I am tired, but I know I wouldn't be able to fall asleep soon.

I feel terrible. A little cruel and selfish too. I regret hurting someone who didn't deserve it. I didn't want to disappoint so I gave the green light. Maybe it was the words sweeter than honey that made me drown. Or it was just as simple as not wanting to see someone taking over my fate. It was that time I realized I didn't welcome the sudden turn up when I was spending my afternoon catching up with my friends. Instead, I bowed my head down in silence and sipped on my drink. It was then when reality bit me hard. I started weighing chances and possibilities, trying to get to the best solution to the problem I began.

Please do know that I made the best decision for both you and I.

Tied.

2011-01-02T23:21:00.004+08:00

In case you didn't know I changed my hairstyle...

Happy New Year!

I'm taking a break from blogging since I have no time for it. Until next time, goodbye!

J-Chizzle

You are so last year.

Escape: Seafield's Prom 2010 [Preview]

2010-11-25T22:07:00.007+08:00

The sneak peak of my next post:

***

I came across with this video while I was browsing through my "Favorites" playlist on my YouTube page. This is my all-time favorite song by Boys Like Girls, simply because of the meaningful lyrics of the song, plus Martin Johnson's explanation of the song. Watching this video brought me back to the night of October 30, 2010. This is for the graduating seniors of 2010, my friends. :')

"The Great Escape is a song, it's about being young and moving on and growing up and... not leaving it all behind but kind of feeling like you're moving on to a new place and you're ready to kinda break free and kind of get out, but you're gonna do it for one more night with your best friends."

-Martin Johnson, frontman of Boys Like Girls-

The Great Escape- Boys Like Girls

Paper bags and plastic hearts

All our belongings in shopping carts

It's goodbye

But we got one more night

Let's get drunk and ride around

And make peace with an empty town

We can make it right

[Chorus]

Throw it away

Forget yesterday

We'll make the great escape

We won't hear a word they say

They don't know us anyway

Watch it burn

Let it die

Cause we are finally free tonight

Tonight will change our lives

It's so good to be by your side

But we'll cry

We won't give up the fight

We'll scream out at the top of our lungs

And they'll think it's just cause we're young

And we'll feel so alive

[Chorus]

All of the wasted time

The hours that were left behind

The answers that we'll never find

They don't mean a thing tonight

[Chorus] x2

***

Updates for the soon-to-die blog after December 8. :)

J-Chizzle

Promises.

Learning To Let Go.

2010-10-11T14:16:00.001+08:00

Isolation period.

People who does not appreciate and acknowledge you and your presence are not your friends. They do not deserve what you are giving them

-Mom-

____________________________

Lesson learnt. Seriously, I am trying to not bother so much but I can't completely drop it. I think time passed by too quickly. Everything that happened is like a vivid memory, impossible to forget. I wish things didn't change, people stayed the same. Change is good, I know. These kind of changes? Good for you, bad for me. We used to be in this circle where it is incomplete if someone is left out. I think all of you are doing just fine now right? You could pretend that I am not here all you want. It is killing me but as long as you are happy, it's all good.

This is pretty good, actually. I thank you for preparing me for next year. We will all be going separate ways and goodbyes will be harder if we are held together by a thin rope, relying on one another. People come and go, walk in and out of your life and that process doesn't stop. It's part of life's cycle, an important part. I will imprint what we had in my memory so that I'll never forget that you were part of what I used to be when I grow older.

That's life, unexpected.

J-Chizzle

Learning to let go should be learnt before learning to get.

370 Days.

2010-09-02T23:26:00.002+08:00

Unit of Council 2010/2011 (front row), Enrollment Day 2010.

August 23, 2009 to August 28, 2010. 370 days. 1 year 5 days.

All the Form 5s have officially stepped down. It has been the best 5 years of my life so far. 5 years of scouting wasn't wasted. I gained many new knowledges. I made new friends. I watch myself grow to be a better person. I feel a great change in my adolescence years in high school. I'm gonna miss waking up early every Saturday, wearing my Scouts uniform, going for lunch together after meetings, going for annual camps, the 2-week long Campfire Night preparation during the mid term break, taking shifts during school events and cleaning up sessions.

But good things always comes to an end, sadly. That's why we have farewell parties! :D

Farewell Party 2010, August 28.

104 Scouties! ♥

Unit of Council 2009/2010

Thank you for giving me many opportunities throughout the year. I had fun and truly cherish my job as a photographer whenever I'm needed. (:

Hang Kasturi 2009 and 2010

It's amazing how we still have the Kasturi spirit in us. :) ♥

Hamsap gang (with new members?).

We give you our sexiest face! :D

Self-Declared Commitee (SDC)

except for Shee Fong. Awesome people! ♥

The best APL in the world, Hui Yi. Thank you for everything. At first, I see you as a very quiet and reserved person. But as I get to know you, my eyes feast for surprises. You can actually be very crazy. I am thankful to be able to work with you. Good luck in everything. Love you! ♥

The best QM in the world, Woon Sun! We never really spoken unless we are in discussions at first. You are the most efficient and organized person I've met so far. It's good to work with you. All the best in the future. Love you too! ♥

Patrol Tun Perak 2010. ♥

Juniors, thank you all for the t-shirt and lovely card! Honestly, I didn't expect anything from you guys since the farewell party was so freaking awesome. Yes, it was! So it explains why I was teary-eyed when I got the T-shirt and at the brink of shedding tears when I got the card. The front and back cover of the card are colorful stripes and I don't know how you guys found out that I L-O-V-E it. Amazing! I ♥ you guys. :')

If it wasn't for Scouts, I wouldn't even know these people. I have befriended the craziest, most awesome, super hyper and amazing people in the world. I was fated to meet all these amazing friends and have them by me throughout my years in high school. Thank you all for making a difference in my life! :')

Yeah, this is how awesome the farewell party was!

J-Chizzle

Before you met me I was alright

But things were kinda heavy

You brought me to life

Teenage Dream by Katy Perry

A Year Gone.

2010-08-23T23:55:00.001+08:00

The color of leaves changes when the seasons change, so do people.

The memory I had on this very day a year ago was still vivid. It is hard to pretend to forget what happened. It is hard to ignore the sorrow bubbling in my lungs. It is difficult to just get over this tiny thing and slap a fake smile on my face.

It seems like a year has passed by, literally in a blink of an eye. During this duration of time, I learnt so many things. I learnt to open up my mind and heart, explore more ways to overcome the bitterness of the pain, make full use of what I have and what I am given and to just go with the flow. Also during this one-year period of time, I learnt to recompose myself whenever I am about to crumble. It may sound like an easy thing to do, but believe me if you were in my shoes you'll know exactly what I mean. It's hard to stare up the ceiling when my eyes start to water and pray that not a single teardrop would roll down my cheeks and push away the sadness. There were times when I have to hold back my tongue so that I wouldn't say anything offensive or rude when someone said something that will remind me of that very day.

Throughout the year, I lose hope and faith in myself. I thought that the world ended for me after that day. When I turned off the lights on that night, I cried and swore to myself that I will never manage to make it through the year. I cried and teared so many times for half the year while I learn to adapt to the new situation. I remember spending school nights weeping silently under the covers to make sure I don't breakdown in school the next morning. During the period of time, people walked in and out of my life. Things change following the season, so does people. From close friends to hi-and-bye friends, from close-knit friendships to broken friendships. Nevertheless, new people walked into my life and picked up the broken pieces of my heart. They showed me that I still have many reasons to live and to bear with the change of the atmosphere. Sometimes if I am invited to join conversations with topics I have no idea about, I'll just laugh along if they laugh or I'll give shake my head in disagreement when they disagree. I'm just going with the flow, get it?

At the mean time, I connected a lot with myself and God. I became my own cheerleader. I learnt to inspire and motivate myself when everything was falling apart. I go to friends for advices and lend their shoulders, but I will bore them with my same old story, same old sadness. They have been great helpers to mend my broken heart, but sometimes it comes down to my own effort to ease the pain. I busied myself with taking care of Dilly and going obsessed over Paul DiGiovanni aka my Boston boyfriend. Somehow I managed to be distracted. Somehow seeing him play the guitar sooth my soul. It kept my mind busy for awhile. But I never will get over this heartbreak. It is yet my most painful one. Don't expect me to be okay even in a couple of years. I will be fine but this pain that has been engraved onto my heart will remain forever.

So today marks a year since that day. I adapted my life to live with the persistent pain. I became tougher inside out. I learnt to hold myself together whenever I feel like the walls of my mind are closing down on me. I endured a handful of emotions that most people wouldn't manage. I proudly made it through the year and managed to have fun and enjoy the thrill ride in the process. I accepted a huge disappointment in life and dealt with it. I went through devastating moments without anyone's help.

The transformation of my life started a year ago on this day. I made a huge change in my life and I have never been more proud of myself.

J-Chizzle

Cause these things will change

Can you feel it now?

Change by Taylor Swift

Resist.

2010-07-15T23:02:00.006+08:00

Appearance gives impression, but it's all about the taste.

A month is almost gone. :\

So many that had happened within a month ended, engraving memories into my heart. These were my last time going through them and I certainly cherish each and every moment. :)

Campfire Night preparation during the 2-week long mid term break!

Love this shot the best. :)

Lesbo ♥

Campfire Night 2010, June 26.

Official photographer of the night. :D

Starstruck.

♥

Denise turns 17 on June 29!

Doggie, we pretended to forget but we didn't! Your pressie is coming soon. And no, I can't kidnap Fabregas for you. Love you! :P

Wen Hao's birthday, July 8!

We managed to surprise him! Don't be so GL at times. Your pressie is in the process too. :D

Carnival Day 2010, July 10

This was worth my 7 bucks. I pimped the polaroid to make it funkier. ;) ♥

FIFA World Cup 2010 crowns Spain as the champion, July 12!

SPAIN! ♥

The super H-O-T Fernando Torres. ♥

The super CUTE Cesc Fabregas. ♥

He's the main topic in every conversation I have with Denise everyday in school.

***

Updates will be just this simple. I am currently stuck with LOTS of homework, studies and getting back into the exam mood soon. What a wrong timing to fall sick too. :(

P.S: More photos on my Facebook page. Go have a look! As usual, grab and use as you like but credits goes back to me. Thanks! :)

J-Chizzle

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and watch me cry

Well that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

Love The Way You Lie - Eminem feat. Rihanna

Back To Reality.

2010-06-20T20:56:00.010+08:00

Fallen stars.

Memories that leaves scars.

It took me awhile to realize that today is the last day of my last mid term break of my entire schooling life. That means school resumes tomorrow. The good thing: I get to see my friends again. The bad thing: waking up early and keeping up with my hectic schedule again.

I think I spent the mid term break wisely. I attended Taylor's University College's CLIOD for Hospitality, Tourism and Culinary Arts, went through brochures and websites of colleges and courses I have interest in, helped Mom and Dad watch over carpenters and electricians fixing stuff and of course going back to school for my last Campfire Night preparation like what I have been doing for the past 4 years.

Fun fact:

Paul DiGiovanni (my Boston boyfriend) and I are proud owners of cute Chihuahuas!

Back to Chemistry reports. Right.

J-Chizzle

You're a redneck, heartbreak

Who's really bad at lying

So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time

Picture To Burn by Taylor Swift

Quickies!

2010-06-09T23:36:00.006+08:00

Back for some quick updates!

1. Scouts Outdoor Camp 2010, SUFES Campsite @ Tapah, Perak (May 28-30)

2. College Life In One Day (CLIOD) for Hospitality, Tourism and Culinary Arts @ Taylor's University College, Lakeside Campus (June 7)

It was so much fun! I miss Mixology class. :D

3. Campfire Night (CFN) preparation (the whole 2 weeks term break!)

Be prepared to be starstruck!

4. I update Tumblr and Flickr more! Sorry Blogger. :P

5. I have been spending my time drawing the pathway to my future.

Brochures from various colleges.

6. I uploaded a video to YouTube. CLICK HERE TO WATCH! :D

More updates to come, I hope. Enjoy the holidays, peeps! :)

J-Chizzle

I've got my hands in my pocket

And my head in the cloud

This is how I do

When I think about you

Hero Heroine by Boys Like Girls

The Great Escape.

2010-05-27T14:43:00.001+08:00

The nerd is off for a holiday in between the mid terms tomorrow!

The day I have been waiting for has finally arrived! Yup, my final camp of my entire high school life happens to be the outdoor camp.

A few snapshots of outdoor camp 2009:

The BFF and I in the bus.

Tent mates.

[Insert Hang Kasturi 2009's group photo here]

Hang Kasturi 2009 will reunite but incomplete without Justin. I miss. :(

I am glad that I am going away for the weekend. Fresh cooling air, green scenery and nature; here I come! I am coming back with a clear mind and ready to finish the mid terms.

Dilly, don't you be sad when I am gone for 3 days. I will be back just before you know it. But I'll miss you, a lot. D:

I have loads of stuff to complete before I leave for camp. I need to pack my bags and give Dilly a nice shower. Off I go! Have a great weekend and happy studying. The mid terms ends next Thursday, so hold on to the study mood.

P.S: I am going to study for Chemistry in camp. Yeahhhh. :)

J-Chizzle

Let me show you what you're missing

Paradise

Eenie Meenie by Sean Kingston feat. Justin Bieber

Forget Yesterday.

2010-05-05T13:22:00.005+08:00

It was a random feeling.

Before I start on updates, allow me to introduce a new addition to the Chew family!

Dilly. ♥

Yup we got a puppy! Oh Sis and I have always wanted one. Last Thursday, Dad dragged us to the pet store along with Mom and he allowed us to get a puppy. I wanted a Shitzu or West Highland Scott Terrier, but Sis and Dad were so attracted to this little fellow above cause he needs a good home. Chihuahuas are skinny and tiny, but at least they have short fur (it's good since Mom's allergic to furry animals).

I shall try blogging in numbered form. UPDATES!

1. Dad's 44th birthday celebration @ Iketeru Restaurant, Hilton Hotel KL (April 15).

Awesome Japanese cuisine with awesome price to pay.

2. Sports Day 2010 @ MPSJ (April 17).

My last Sports Day in my schooling life. It was way beyond awesome. :)

Lesbo! Love ya loads. ;) ♥♥♥

Drill team 2010! ♥

Form 5s! ♥♥

Commanders.

Remajas!

Mudas.

Form 3s.

Form 1s (except Carney).

Form 2s (except for Carney).

Form 4s.

Unit of Council 2009/2010 (Johanna's missing = incomplete).

3. Oh, and wonder why do I have time to spend in front of the laptop? I ran a temperature of 37.6 degree Celcius this morning. It sucks being down with the fever with the mid terms being less than 2 weeks away. I couldn't get myself to study cause I am feeling so horrible so I thought of updating my dead blog.

4. School is good. Well, at least for now. The last class photo of my entire schooling life was taken yesterday and I bet it will turn out awesome!

5. Life? Just alright for now. I had several emotional breakdowns but I am still holding on.

6. I'll never forget the day Jay Han showed this video of my cover to the entire class during History lesson. It was super humiliating, Jay!

The headache attack is back. Time for me to take my sufficient rest.

J-Chizzle

Picture perfect memories

Scattered all around the floor

Reaching for the phone cause

I can't fight it anymore

Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

Insecure.

2010-04-02T21:55:00.003+08:00

Life is like running.

You focus on what's ahead of you, not worrying about the competitors behind you.

Give all you have, believe in yourself and never look back.

When old wounds tear apart and new wounds settle in, I can't tell myself that I will be fine. My positivity doesn't seem to work at this stage. Self-will drowned and was washed away by the emotions that took charge of my body.

Tell me what can I do now?

Crying is pathetic. Being moody makes the people around me moody along. There's too much to lock everything up in my heart. You can't guarantee that your secret will be save with someone forever. Believe me, I have tried so many ways to heal myself, but nothing seems to be working. The most frustrating part is that this pain I am feeling comes and goes. There will be times that I can make it through without having my heart being tugged so hard that it hurts. But sometimes I looked at it from a different perspective and I couldn't help but to let it all out.

That day when it was too much to take, I looked up at the beautiful blue sky lit up by the rays of the sun. I find it a surge of calm to just tilt my head and stare out into the afternoon sky. My mind was cleared, surprisingly. My brain was working properly again and I started motivating myself again. I'll show everyone that I can make it through this pain for the whole year and amaze them. My heart was smiling, my eyes were glistened with the joy and success I managed to achieve. I took a few deep breathes, recomposed myself and set my foot on the ground with the level of confidence and self-believe that I never felt before.

Yeah, if that could only happen every time the old wound reopens.

I am tired of everything. Sometimes I just want to give in and let the sorrow eat me up. But that doesn't mean that I don't try to find new alternatives to heal this pain. I grew sick of seeing part of me dying off when the pain attacks and I couldn't find a remedy. I got tired of bitching about someone or something that I hate and crying my heart out on a friend's shoulder. I mean, that is so pathetic, right? Who does that? Me.

I am truly sorry for the mistakes that I have made and the people that I bitched about. Because sometimes this is the only medication that can mend a broken heart a doctor can mend.

Don't worry, this is just another mental breakdown. I'll get back on my feet in no time. So, haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay?

J-Chizzle

If it's over, let it go and

Come tomorrow it will seem

So yesterday, so yesterday

I'm just a bird, that's already flown away

Laugh it off, and let it go and

When you wake up it will seem

So yesterday, so yesterday

Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay?

So Yesterday by Hillary Duff

Now It's Over.

2010-03-20T01:39:00.000+08:00

This is going to be the last time I am regretting in who I trusted.

I had enough of you. I stopped doubting you because I told myself to give you another chance and believe in you. But I am not going to do that anymore. I am building up my line of defense to guard my heart, and I am making sure that they are so strong that nothing can tear this wall down, especially you.

I am sick of your lies. You and the bullshits you put me through made me an emotional roller coster ride. I gave you my trust and you threw it away. It makes you inhumane to treat anyone like this. No one deserves any fucking shit like this. As a friend, you dare to cut my healing wound and just so you know, you cut the very same wound the last time too. I grew sick of heartbreaks. I had enough. I can't find any new remedies that can heal heartbreaks fast enough before some idiot like you break my heart again. Yes, I am naive but you are immature. Stop talking like you know a hell lot of things when you actually don't. If you are very matured, what you are doing is partially wrong. You are tarnishing your own reputation but enough said. I don't have any rights to tell you what to do, don't I?

As pathetic as it may sound, good luck to you. I am not being mean but no offense, I am putting a bet that in half a year's time what you have now will be as ugly as your previous one. Don't ask me why, I just know. I have my resources. No, I am not stalking you. Others just happen to have the same opinions with me. You made me the bad guy, you know? I have never sworn so much my whole life. I have never bitched about someone so much before. But I don't care. You had been a two-faced person, so you deserve to be known as someone that doesn't have dignity. Ah, the both of your personalities matches. I know what kind of people you both are.

Don't even think that I am weeping every night, wishing that your feelings never changed because I am not. I opened up to so many things I have missed out when you occupied my memory that you are slowly erased from my mind. I have finally learnt to never look back because you aren't one of the best things in my life anymore. Guess what? The sight of the both of you may hit me hard, but I am going to be fine soon. You wait and watch me pass you by.

I am sorry I have to state this publicly. What you did was truly inconsiderate. Thanks for the sweet memories and painful heartbreaks. I hope you will happen to stumble upon this, bastard.

J-Chizzle

Once you want it to begin, no one really ever wins

In heartbreak warfare

Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer.

Runaway Smile

In Between.

Of A Rant.

2011's Goodbye Note.

Checkmate.

Don't Let Those Petals Fall.

Lachrymose of Humiliation?

A crying shame

A SINGULAR LIFEBy ASHA GILL

Pathetic Denial.

Fall, Baby, Fall.

Flying Off.

Of Growing Up.

To Be Read, Again And Again.

Moves Like Jagger.

Two Weeks Without College.

Partial Reality.

The Return.

Helpless.

Invasion of Thoughts.

College!

Deep Thoughts and Sleepless Nights.

Tied.

Escape: Seafield's Prom 2010 [Preview]

Learning To Let Go.

370 Days.

A Year Gone.

Resist.

♥

Back To Reality.

Quickies!

The Great Escape.

Forget Yesterday.

Insecure.

Now It's Over.

A SINGULAR LIFE
By ASHA GILL